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SHE'S A KILLER

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Morning rant. [28 Oct 2009|06:57am]
This morning, I found out about a website called The National Organization for Men. Now this website sounds great and all. A website for men and men's issues, right? Wrong! This website just seems to bitch and whine about the fact that the "white male" is mistreated and left out in the cold by the uprising of feminism. Excuse me? When the fuck was the last time a "white male" was subjugated to the same indecencies as a black male? An asian male? A white woman? Yes, the white male is stereotyped over and over as the dumb jock, the bad father and the misogynist but, that's what the white male has built for himself! These images of man as the hero while woman faints in his bulging biceps is the product of men!

Now, not to sound like a she-woman man hater but, dudes. You guys did this to yourselves. Men have spent the last hundreds of years merchandising to themselves football, action movies and degrading porn. (The same as women have spent merchandising ways to become more attractive to men.)

The single white male father rarely wants much to do with his kids, hence child support. Now, don't get me wrong. I watched my dad fight tooth and nail to get my mom to pony up but, that's a rare case. If there were more men fighting for that kind of equality, perhaps they'd get it. However, seeing as the ratio of single mothers to single fathers is pretty stacked on the female side (6-1 as of 2005), I don't see that argument coming up anytime soon.
Is there a 'Fatherhood' magazine? No, but there is a .org promoting and encouraging those dead beat dads to be better. Great, awesome.

Look, if you're a single white male and you don't like the way the media is portraying you, then stand the fuck up.
This kind of egotism pisses me off, it's whining and bullshit. If perhaps this website, this 'organization' did more for to promote the white male as a someone who is self-confident, assertive, sensitive and responsible then I'd respect the shit out of that. As it is, all it's authors do is whine and point fingers.
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

Thunder Storms and Lightning! Very Very Frightening! [08 Sep 2009|10:46am]
I do believe that things are going better! I am HOPEFULLY getting a really cute apartment that I can start moving into next week, Aaron and I are officially dating and! I played with my dog yesterday for a really long time and it was awesome.

The apartment I'm moving into (again, hopefully!) is friggen gorgeous! It's got a washer and dryer, a landscaped front yard, has a basement art studio and is ONLY $300 a month!! It also comes with a bunch of really cute furniture and things that I'm excited about. God, finally! A place of my own! Seriously about time.

The only problem right now is getting to work. It's raining like crazy outside and I NEED to go to work today. I can't really walk to the bus stop in this crazy shit. It's not just sprinkling outside it's raining cats and dogs. I'd venture out in it if I had a rain coat or some kind of water proof shoes. As it is, all I have is a sweater and some Tom's. Which, are far far from being anything close to rain proof. I called my Dad and he's not willin to drive all the way up here just to run me to work. I guess I'll have to walk. Sad day. I'm going to be wet wet wet! Now, I have to wait an hour anyway for the bus.
Shit, I wish I had my car now.

I am SUPER late on sending in my shit for probation. Also, I haven't done any kind of treatment yet. Which, is a hugely bad bad thing. I will start doing that pretty soon. Including the DUI victims panel. Fuckity fuck fuck. Oh my life. I get one thing under control and other things just start catching up with me. I need to work on that.

Work on being cleaner, neater and more organized. Yep.
Atleast Don is going to be out for a few hours with his teeth all fucked up. I doubt he's going to want to come into the salon right after a root canal. Well, you never know. He's kind of a weirdo. I need to put in an application to Xenon already. Shit! I don't know that I'd like that anymore than what I'm doing now. I wish I could find a job that I REALLY like doing related to the hair industry. Maybe I should just fucking open a school. Seems to be the hip new trend around Wichita anyway.

That sounds expensive though.

Being in Aaron's apartment has made me complacent I think in the ways of keeping my shit together. I need to learn how to focus on more than one thing at once. Though, focusing on Aaron is a pretty good time. Mm, that guy! So good to me I don't even know what to do with myself half the time. I had an urge this morning to snoop around his house a little but, thankfully, I'm a good person and just jumped on here. Ha.

It's raining so friggen hard! I don't don't don't want to go into work today. I'd rather just look on the intermonz for things to fill my new apartment with. I've already got ideas. I need to get some kind of slip cover. The two guys that are renting it out to me have a funky idea of what kinds of paint look good in rooms. The living room is a dark red color, which isn't bad but, frankly I hate red. The bed room is the darkest blue in the world. I can work around that okay. I just don't know about the red. Atleast it's done tastefully. I guess I'll have to just get on Apartment Therapy and learn about ways to brighten that shit up. It's crazy how dark the front room is despite there being 3 huge windows.
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What the fucking fuck is wrong with me? [18 Aug 2009|03:02pm]
Fucking christ, what did I do?
Should I go back to Luke? Is it to late? I have no idea, no answers.
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[16 Aug 2009|02:22pm]
Last night was awesome but, hurt a lot.
I fell off a tall bike and wasn't allowed to hug
someone I really care about.

Happy Birthday Week!
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[07 Aug 2009|12:17pm]
I'm living in this little world called "the past" and it's making this world, "the present" really fucking difficult.
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White Wine and Homemade Italian Food [05 Aug 2009|08:02pm]
Where did I learn to cook anyway?
I came up with this amazing pasta and white sauce. Brilliant.

Ah.
I slept most of the day today and didn't get anything done. I'm glad that I have work tomorrow because I definitely need to learn how to sleep better. I meant for this evening to be Luke and I hanging out but, so far I haven't really got the energy to make things more interesting than Futurama and Lj.

I did cook though, so I guess that is something couple-y and productive.

My brain is just feeling sluggish. I can't really get it to concentrate on anything right now. I'm kinda bummed out because I ruined my diet two days in a row and am starting to feel like a failure. It's strange and kinda sad I'm sure that my current emotions would rely on my waist. Well, they actually rely on if I can feel "bagginess" on my jaw. It used to be so cut! Damn, anyway.

What the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I'm slowly starting to figure things out and yet have no idea how to keep progress in motion. I need to throw myself at my career for a minute. Don says that he can hook me up with being a Wella rep. The only problem with that is that they travel a lot and my current DUI situation doesn't really allow for that. So, for now, sitting on my ass just waiting for things to start rolling.

Speaking of DUI I still haven't enrolled in a treatment program. God damn, I'm lazy. TOMORROW I will call about rescheduling my DUI panel and I will remember it this time. Then I will schedule treatment stuff or figure out where to do that for free.
Sometimes, I just really need someone to hold my hand through all this. I feel so scared and embarrassed! Eugh.

Luke bought some wine earlier and I'm finishing it. ha.

I wouldn't say that I have a drinking problem just, that I enjoy drinking. I think that the only thing I have a problem with is procrastination and bitching to much. Also, I probably make to many excuses for myself but, meh. I'll get there someday.
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I guess a public update would be nice... [01 Aug 2009|01:38pm]
I'm at ANOTHER new salon. THANK FUCKING GOD!
The last one turned out to be the worst mistake in my entire hair career ...ever.
I'm doing good now, last night we had a Final Friday event and now I know my boss will never fire me as I curated the whole thing and worked my butt off!

I'm currently on day 4 of the mc diet. It's pretty great,except for the whole salt water bit. Pretty gross.

I think after this I'll go ahead and try out being a raw foodist. Pretty silly but, we'll see.


Luke and I are stable as stable can be, except when it comes to money. That'll work itself out someday and, until then...Well, I can live off my tips and I paid my rent fully this month. So, I'm doing awesome. I'm glad that it's August! Though, outside it feels like September. I'm not complaining. Not in the least. It's nice outside and the idea of it raining makes everything even better.
Hooray!
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[14 Apr 2009|02:02am]

I am supposed to feel bad.
I do.
If I feel, I think I feel bad

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[07 Apr 2009|12:11am]

v

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

when you think to much [06 Apr 2009|11:23pm]

So I finally found a place to start. The last 3 years of my life have finally come to a head and I got into a possibly wonderful salon. I'm scared. I'm worried that I may not be marketable enough. I'm afraid that if I'm myself, the person who has all these skills and wants you to look your best but, doesn't actually care one way or another about your cat...That it's not enough. I feel guilty when I don't.
I feel drained from worrying so much. My day has become one pep talk after another and that in itself is making me go crazy. I'm stuck in a contant loop of self doubt. This isn't me and I'm starting to hate myself for it.


On top of that, I'm trying to really be honest with myself and reconize the things holding me back. I feel overly exposed on all fronts! With no one to really help or turn to except myself. More loops, more incessant worrying and the overall feeling of being left naked in a room full of perfect people.

At the open house I had no idea who anyone was except my friends, everyone there was so well mannered and so well dressed. It was this huge culture shock and I felt so fucking out of place and just sub-par, and those are the kinds of people who will pay $75 or more for a cut and color. Those are the peope Im supposed to market myself to and, holy shit, I am so intimidated and worried about my own superfical hang-ups that I couldn't even begin to talk to anyone I didn't know. I felt like the black sheep of the salon.

That's pretty much the entirity of what I'm trying to work out. Do I change myself to fit their sterotype and get the classier clients or accept myself and take what comes? Obviously I know that I have to accept myself, I'm not stupid. It's the accepting myself under the scrunity of those around me. Yeah, I'm bullshit, I know...It's like I'm obsessing over every little detail, trying to hope I'm good enough instead of saying fuck that and just dealing with myself first. I just have wanted this so hard for so long. I want it to work, I want to be accepted as the stylist I am. But, technical details beside, I have no idea what kind of person I am, let alone as a stylist.
I've just always wanted some kind of reconization, I want to be something besides the poor, white trash, overly sexed up person I've hidden from and been ashamed of. I know that there's more to me than that but, those are the things I'm most afraid of being.
I have a hard time with being paranoid. I'm sure that everyone feels this way. I by no means unique in feeling hindered by my faults but, godammit, not being able to feel the confidence that I have to project is driving me crazy.
I'm sure.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[25 Feb 2009|07:24pm]

dissatisfaction!
I feel crappy. Ever since the other night, I've felt dirty and gross about myself. Maybe it's the fact that I can't get other people's perceptions out of my head. I have this constant loop of what I think other people say about me stuck in my head. Most of it is just stuff that I'm afraid has been said or thought.
Paranoid panic.
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[02 Feb 2009|01:07am]

Moving sounds good. It sounds fresh and exciting, it makes me think of adventure.
I've decided that the best thing would be having the ability to look back with fondness and nostalgia.

I'm not the biggest fan of cold weather but I think I could handle it.

I've been preoccupied with possibility lately, not the worst thing to be preoccupied with I guess. I could possibly be a lesbian! I could possibly have room-mates! I could possibly live some place new and re-invent myself. Oh, wait.
Not likely as Charli and Mike will be coming too. Part of me will feel like an asshole if they're still together and come with me when I know that whom ever I'm dating then won't. Also, it's kind I hard to re-invent yourself when two people who already know you pretty well will be there as well.
It's not as though I'm afraid of who I'll become but, rather I'm afraid of not being able to do it with them there. Like their perception of me will keep me tied to the person I am now rather than the fully fledged person I could evolve into.
I'm also afraid that there's not much more evolving left to be done. Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be for awhile?

Not that I don't like who I am, it's just that I have these walls and certian habits that I'd like to break some time before I die, so that I don't end up alone.

And, that's why I have to leave. Even though I'm in a relationship now, my own habits and walls have caused the two of us to end up dependant on one another for comfort and to distract us from our own lonliness, instead of fixing it.

Hmm

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

it's funny really [29 Jan 2009|01:22pm]

I'm in that relationship that I always wanted when I was younger, the one where everything makes sense and is stable.
Only there's nothing to talk about and no emotional heart ache of one kind or another. Maybe it's due to being a little older that I don't feel as alive as I used to. Everything is simple and easy and 100% boring.
I have somethings I need to get done.

I want to leave WichitaCollapse )

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relationship problems or lack there of [09 Jan 2009|05:07pm]

everyone needs a little excitement, a little chaos. I miss it some times. the feeling of being emotionally raw and wrecked. it's a shame really.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[07 Jan 2009|06:53am]

Live journal app, nice.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

I'm glad this is still here. [03 Dec 2008|07:56pm]
Dear Livejournal,
thank you for not deleting my account as it is something that I come back to a lot when reflecting on self growth.
As well as for nostalgia purposes, Lj is good for recording things that I want to record without having to write or talk to someone.
Thanks!
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[17 Jun 2007|03:15pm]
I didn't even know I was fighting
until I saw the blood on my hands.


-
I'm fucking pissed off today.
Don't cross me, I'll cut out your eyes.
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[12 Nov 2006|05:58pm]
Oh man!
William will be here this weekend!
YES YES YAYAYAY!

I'm pumped. I love that guy.
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

Of Course It's Gonna Get Better, Better, Better... [04 Nov 2006|11:25am]
My hands are covered in hair dye.
Office pants are probably the most uncomfortable things.

Have not journaled in days. Have a stomache ache.
Am aching to see William. Am 19 now.
Feeling a pretty huge sense of displacement.

No need to go outside. No need to see friends.
Need to do art, school, and job.
Need to take a shower.
No need to shower if no one sees me...

Oh I don't know what I am doing!
DIDN'T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

[01 Nov 2006|10:48pm]
Ohho fuck.
Tomorrow my Sucess Guide is due and it's not finished and I've got forever many pages to due. Automatic 10% off my advancement grade.
Oh well, shit happens.
My fucking stomache hurts from being stressed out about it though. Could've avoided the situation by you know, doing it sooner.

Talked to William tonight. Other than that I haven't had any outside talky-talk.
I'm just not cool. Really, I'm just not that into doing stuff. I'm going to be a reclusive, chess mastering, stomach aching photographer. I'm going in to the JC Penny portrait studio on Friday to shadow a lady and learn all about this and that with the camera, kids etc. Then, I'll have a real stinkin job. Hurray!

I give it 2 weeks before I start hating it.

Dear Kym,
Sorry I could not hang out tonight. Tomorrow is good for me. I will call you when I get home.
ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST HAVE IT ALMOST

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